


Resistance Is Futile

by the_random_writer



Category: Cut & Run - Madeleine Urban & Abigail Roux
Genre: Crack, Dreams, Guns, M/M, Star Trek References
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-07
Updated: 2017-01-07
Packaged: 2018-09-15 13:18:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9236792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the_random_writer/pseuds/the_random_writer
Summary: Ty's latest dream takes him to a strange, new world, but one with a familiar face...





	

**Author's Note:**

> This is an *extremely* irreverent crack fic. If you are highly protective of AOS Kirk or Spock, you might not like it. You have been warned :-)

Zane tensed slightly as a shadow fell across his arm. He looked up, and relaxed as he saw it was only Ty, emerging from his afternoon nap.

Jesus. Eight years they'd been together now, and he _still_ couldn't hear Ty moving around when he was running in ninja mode. In his defense, his hearing was far from perfect, and he _had_ been completely immersed in an extremely exciting book.

"Hey, doll," he called out softly, a smile pulling at his lips. "Have a good nap?"

Ty huffed loudly, scrunched his face and stuck a hand up under his shirt to vigorously scratch his chest. "Lone Star, I just had the _weirdest_ fucking dream."

Zane let out a quiet sigh. So much for his uneventful afternoon. It was time to go to Crazy Town, and as always, he was taking the Ty Express...

As anyone who'd ever shared a house (or bed) with the man could confirm, Ty had a long and illustrious record of thoroughly peculiar dreams. And not your standard, vanilla, garden variety peculiar either, such as all of your teeth falling out, or turning up to work in the nude.

No, sir.

When Tyler Grady was on the ground, only the weirdest and strangest of stories would do. Seriously whacky, fucked up shit straight out of a Terry Gilliam movie or a drug-induced hallucination. Roller-disco contests with the leaders of the Illuminati, sandwiches with teeth and guns, druid orgies at Buckingham Palace and badgers dressed as musketeers. Oh, and giant, rampaging dinosaurs. How could he possibly forget _them_? Either with or without the bowler hats and tartan skirts.

So what had Ty's imagination summoned for their viewing pleasure now?

"Oh, yeah?" was what he actually asked. "What was it about?"

Ty harumphed and scratched again (this time in a less dignified place), then sauntered through to the kitchen at the rear of the house, likely in search of something to drink. He often woke up thirsty. Or hungry. Or horny. Sometimes, all three at the same time.

"I dreamed I was in Star Trek," Ty replied, pulling at the door of the fridge.

"Star Trek?" Zane echoed incredulously. He was very fond of the show himself, especially The Original Series, and while Ty would watch it with him if it was on, Zane would never describe his husband as a Trekkie, even on a generous day. So this wasn't _quite_ as odd as sex with druids, but it was still extremely strange.

Now armed with an ice-cold can of Dr. Pepper, Ty returned to the living room, squeezed past the leather recliner and dropped inelegantly onto the couch.

"Star Trek," he confirmed. "Weird as hell, yeah?"

"That depends," said Zane. "Which version?"

Ty frowned and cracked the tab of the can. "The hell do you mean, which version?"

Zane let out a tolerant sigh. "Meow Mix, there are six different versions of Star Trek," he calmly explained.

"Really?" Ty exclaimed, sounding almost offended at the thought, as if anything more than three was trying _way_ too hard.

"Yes, really," Zane repeated. "So which one did you dream about?"

Another frown, but this time of concentration. "Which version has the hot blond with the pretty eyes?" Ty asked. "The one I'd lick to death or die trying?"

Zane grinned, recognizing the lurid description. "That's Captain Kirk from the reboot of The Original Series." And now he knew exactly what had triggered the dream. "We watched the first movie when it was on TV last week, remember?" Or at least, _he_ had watched it. Ty had glanced at it from time to time while cleaning one of his many guns. The Sig Sauer, if memory served. Although, his husband had obviously paid attention to some degree, given the lascivious comment about the blond.

And wasn't _that_ interesting?

Zane didn't really care for the reboot version of Kirk, himself. The actor was extremely pretty (especially without the beard), but he much preferred the rugged dude who played McCoy, if only because he had the same colour of eyes as Ty. He would do a _lot_ more to that specimen of Kiwi manhood than lick him all over, that was for sure. There would be _some_ licking, but only in the opening stages… 

"That was the one where they destroyed Vulcan, right?" Ty asked, bumping him out of his lecherous thoughts. "And Spock was boning the hot chick in the red dress?"

Zane nodded. He'd heard better and more respectful descriptions of Lieutenant Uhura, but Ty wasn't wrong about her being hot. She wasn't _quite_ as fuckable as the delectable doctor, but she was getting close.

Ty fell silent and drummed his fingers against the can.

"So what happened in the dream?" Zane asked.

Ty blushed, cleared his throat and took a long sip of his drink, very obviously stalling for time.

Oh, boy. This one was going to be a beauty. Zane could just tell.

Ty leaned out to set his can down on the table. "Okay," he started, very matter-of-factly. "I'm pretty sure I was the ship's doctor."

Zane's eyebrows shot up. The _doctor_? That made no fucking sense at all. Given the rank he'd earned while serving in the Marines, surely Ty should dream himself in the glittering gold of command? Or at the very least, the scarlet of a Security Chief?

On second thoughts, scratch that. The dudes in red were always the first to die, so that colour wasn't the safest choice. But that didn't mean blue was any better.

"You sure about that, doll?" Zane asked in a dubious tone. "No offense, but you don't seem like a doctor to me."

"Lone Star, I was wearing a blue shirt, I was really grumpy, I drank a lot and I spent most of my time trading insults with Mister Spock. So yeah, I'm pretty sure I was the doctor."

"Did you do any actual doctor stuff?"

"I handed out pills and gave people shots."

"That doesn't sound too weird."

"Except the pills were miniature Cheetos and the shots were _actual_ shots," Ty continued. "As in glasses full of Hard Lemonade." He frowned again. "Although, some of them might have been tequila."

"Cancel what I just said, then. Because that's weird as balls."

Ty huffed, picked up his can and took another hearty swig. "It gets worse," he warned.

Zane said nothing, but allowed a single eyebrow to climb.

"I wasn't _just_ the ship's doctor."

"Uh huh?"

"Me and the Captain..." he paused to cough but soon resumed. "I was also married to Captain Kirk."

"You were _married_ to Captain Kirk?" Zane repeated, breaking into a cheesy grin.

Ty sighed. "And everyone else on the ship called us the Space Husbands."

Zane cackled like a hyena on crack. He knew he shouldn't, but he couldn't help himself.  _Space Husbands_? Oh, man. He couldn't wait to share this one with Mara and Nick. This was even funnier than badgers dressed as musketeers.

But Ty apparently wasn't done with the ridiculous revelations yet.

He took a breath and plodded on. "And for some reason, Mister Spock was really jealous."

"Of what?" Zane demanded to know.

Ty gave him a funny look, as if the answer should be obvious to anyone with half a brain. "Of me being married to J—Captain Kirk," he said impatiently.

"Yeah, I got _that_ ," Zane shot back. "But what angle was he coming from?"

"Dammit, Zane, I'm a retired marine who sells books for a living, not a geometry teacher," Ty said tetchily. "The hell do you mean, what _angle_ was he coming from?"

Zane sighed and rolled his eyes. "Was Spock jealous of Kirk because he was fucking you, or was he jealous of you because you were fucking Kirk?"

"No fucking idea," Ty retorted. "It was a dream, so the background information was kinda thin on the ground."

"Either way, it doesn't make a whole lot of sense."

Ty nodded in agreement. "Yeah, I mean, Spock's supposed to be boning Uhura, right? So why the hell would he be chasing after Kirk or the doctor as well?"

"Maybe there was no 'or' involved," Zane proposed.

"What?"

"Maybe Spock was trying to hook up with both of you at the same time."

"Is that even allowed?"

"Don't see why not," Zane replied. "I mean, the fans do call them the triumvirate, right?"

"Yeah, so?"

"Pretty sure that's just a big, fancy word for a threesome."

Ty grunted and gave his chest another scratch. "Not really sure how I feel about that, man. I mean, I'd fuck blondie into the living room rug, but pointy ears? Not so much."

"He _is_ a very logical man."

"And I don't really do logic."

Zane's lips twitched again. Now wasn't _that_ the understatement of the year?

"You've always been more of a leap before looking kind of guy," he commented. "Intuition over information."

"Hasn't killed me yet," Ty pointed out.

Zane mentally snorted. Not for any lack of trying...

"So was that it?" Zane enquired.

"Was what it?"

"The dream," he clarified. "You were the ship's doctor, you were married to Captain Kirk, and for some reason, Mister Spock was really jealous, although we don't really know who or what he was jealous of. Was there anything else?"

"Well... yeah," Ty reluctantly admitted.

"Man up, marine," Zane ordered his spouse. "Finish what you damn well started. Spit it out."

"Okay, okay," Ty grumbled, draining the last of his can. "So then the bad guy showed up."

"Which one?" Zane asked, hoping the answer wasn't Khan. He liked the new actor well enough, but in terms of the actual story, he much preferred the original version.

"The one from the same movie," Ty said. "The Romulan dude who kicked the crap out of Vulcan."

Right. The guy with the Roman name. Tiberius? No, that was Kirk. Dammit, what was he called again? 

Then it came to him. "Nero," Zane declared.

"Yeah, him."

"So what's weird about that?"

Now it was Ty's turn to flash a shit-eating grin. "Not a damn thing, Lone Star, except that Nero was _you_."

"Me?"

"You," Ty said, nodding again. Then he wrinkled his nose. "And babe, you were completely bald."

"Was that bad?"

"Lemme put it this way, Zane. You _ever_ shave off all your hair, you'll be single again by the end of the day. You hear?"

"Loud and clear, doll," Zane replied, throwing his husband a mock salute. "No hair, no husband. No mane, no man." 

Given the current topic of conversation, one might even say _no baldly going_. He opened his mouth to share his little joke with Ty.

But Ty knew him far too well. In a calm but threatening tone, he said "Garrett, I swear to God, if you're about to make a pun about having no hair, I will fucking _end_ you."

Zane reversed and covered his tracks. "No puns, doll. I promise."

Ty gave a satisfied nod. "Right. So where was I?"

"You were Captain Kirk's Space Husband," Zane reminded him, grinning again. "And I was the hot, bald, Romulan bad guy."

"That's right," Ty replied. "And man, that was _really_ strange. Because I was up on the bridge with Captain Kirk, listening to—"

"Why were you up on the bridge?" Zane interjected.

"What?"

"If you were the ship's doctor, and the Enterprise was fighting a battle, shouldn't you have been down in sickbay dealing with the wounded? Why the hell were you up on the bridge?"

"How the fuck should I know?" Ty groused, flapping his hands in exasperation. "Can we keep it simple, and just assume Captain Kirk needed his husband near him for moral support?"

Zane had a wicked thought. He might be spending the day in Crazy Town, but that didn't mean he couldn't enjoy the trip.

"Or maybe it was so you could keep an eye on Mister Spock," he said, keeping his face completely straight.

"What?"

"You said Spock was jealous, right?"

"Yeah?"

"What if he was jealous of you being married to Captain Kirk?"

"Uh huh?"

"And you were worried that if you _didn't_ go up to the bridge, Spock would take advantage of your absence, and try to make a move on your man?"

Ty wrinkled his noise again, looking like a pit bull chewing a wasp. "That's just fucking stupid. What kind of moron tries to make a move on someone else's husband in the middle of a goddamn battle?"

"What if Spock was going into Pon Farr, and he really, _really_ needed to get laid, but Uhura wasn't in the mood?"

Silence.

"Lone Star?"

"What?"

"Could you please stop making this more complicated and let me finish my goddamn story?" Ty thundered at him.

Zane grinned and waved his hand in a silent gesture to proceed.

"So I was up on the bridge with Captain Kirk, listening to this Nero dude—you—threatening to destroy the ship if we didn't surrender to him."

"Uh huh?"

"And the more I listened, the more I realized I had it all wrong. I wasn't supposed to be married to Jim—I was supposed to be married to you."

 _Damn fucking right_ , Zane thought. "So what did you do?" he asked.

"The only thing I really could do, babe, if we were going to be together again," Ty said solemnly. "I killed Captain Kirk."

Zane's eyebrows disappeared up under his bangs. "You _killed_ Captain Kirk?"

"Shot him with my Sig Sauer 225," Ty cheerfully proclaimed, sounding extremely proud.

Of course. The gun he'd been cleaning back when the movie was on. The pieces of the puzzle were falling into place, now. Well, _most_ of them.

Zane frowned. "But why the hell did you have a gun?"

"What?"

"Why was the CMO of the USS Enterprise packing a Sig Sauer?"

"Jesus, Zane, how the hell should I know?" Ty protested. "Maybe he was a cop in a previous life. Maybe he was a Space Marine before he joined Starfleet. Maybe he was an evil doctor from a parallel universe. Or maybe it was so he could kill anyone who gave him shit and pissed him off!"

"Okay, okay," Zane murmured, mentally beating a retreat. He wasn't going to argue the point, but that last idea made even _less_ sense than Ty wearing medical blue. If Leonard McCoy killed everyone who pissed him off, the Enterprise wouldn't have a crew...

"So you shot Captain Kirk," Zane repeated, steering them back to safer ground.

Ty flashed him a worryingly maniacal grin. "Right between his purty blue eyes," he said, mimicking a gun with his hand. "Left him with his brains leaking out all over his fancy chair."

"Then what?"

"Then I turned the gun on Mister Spock and ordered him to lower the shields so Nero—you—could beam aboard."

"Did he do what you said?"

Ty snorted. "Like hell he did. Had to double-tap that green-blooded motherfucker as well."

Zane narrowed his eyes at his spouse. "Tyyyyyyyy, how many people did you shoot?"

"That's the part I don't really remember, so not sure," Ty said. "But _definitely_ Captain Kirk and Mister Spock, and maybe one of the security dudes as well."

A redshirt, then. Eh, whatever. Plenty more where those came from.

"But someone eventually lowered the shields?" Zane asked.

"Yup."

"And I beamed over to the Enterprise?"

Another nod. "Then the crew voted to make you the new Captain, and Mister Sulu married us, and we ran off to my quarters to have lots and lots of really filthy Romulan on Human sex."

"Then what?"

Ty made a frustrated sound. "Then I woke up. Just as it was getting to the really good part, too."

"That sucks."

"It didn't suck at all, Zane. That was the whole fucking problem."

"Oh, then Nero-me was about to—?"

"Uh huh."

"I can see how that would be extremely frustrating."

"Lone Star, tell me something I _don't_ know."

Ty crumpled his now empty can, took a moment to set his aim, then with pinpoint accuracy, threw the container into the living room bin.

Zane looked down, tucked his magnetic bookmark into his book and carefully closed the cover over. It was a fascinating story, but he could pick it up again tomorrow. Right now, he had a more important matter to attend to.

"I think we should fix that problem," he calmly announced.

"Which problem?"

"The whole 'waking up just as you get to the good part' problem."

"Really?"

"Really."

"And how the hell are we gonna do that?"

Zane shrugged. "No idea, but I'm sure we'll come up with something."

"You want to take me upstairs and enthusiastically go where you've already gone several hundred times before?" Ty suggested with a lecherous grin.

"Let's just say I've got something spectacular loaded in my torpedo tube and I want to fire it through The Final Frontier."

Ty pretended to huff. "Don't see why _you_ should be the one who gets to launch all of the dangerous weapons," he muttered.

"You want to turn it around, then?" Zane counter-proposed. "Order me to lower my shields and prepare to be boarded by a hostile force?"

"Just thought I could maybe show you why they call the ship's doctor 'Bones'."

Zane let out a weary groan. "Jesus, Meow Mix, bad pun penalty."

"C'mon, man, this is supposed to be a pun-tolerant marriage," Ty impatiently pointed out. "Just because I usually deliver the warnings doesn't mean I can't occasionally earn one of my own."

"Does that mean I'm allowed to end you?" Zane asked, remembering Ty's ominous warning.

"Only in a sexual way."

"And what do I get for my troubles in return?"

Ty pondered the question for a moment, then said, "How about I make you my Space Husband?"

"But I'm already your _actual_ husband," Zane complained, pouting slightly. "So where the hell is the fun in that?"

Ty's squirrels went to work again.

"What if I also promise to treat you like the Prime Directive?" was his second, more intriguing offer.

He might be the Trekkie in the marriage, but that one was lost on Zane. He gave his husband a questioning stare.

Ty grinned and flashed his brows. "I'll violate you however, whenever and wherever I can?"


End file.
